Five Times Aomine Regretted Being a Girl's Best Friend
by SpiritWave
Summary: Satsuki's always been there for him, through good and bad. It's his turn to be there for her, and it turns out Aomine Daiki is actually a pretty good friend.


It's been a while since I uploaded anything, but this one's pretty long to make up for it! Friendship AoMomo with a dash of AoKuro and KagaMomo is the best thing.

* * *

Most men would argue that the level of urgency felt by a female can be defined by how loud and shrill her voice is- level one being trivial complaining and an expression to ward off any stupidity originating from the male, and the maximum level being something along the lines of a string of incoherent swearing often coupled with loud yelling and sobbing, with a dash of extreme anger at anyone who gets close enough to speak.

Aomine argues differently, seeing how he's dealt with a single woman of questionable femininity his entire life (his mother notwithstanding); his measuring gauge for how alarming any given situation happens to be is simply defined by how annoying Satsuki's fucking voice gets. If she talks about a boy, usually Kuroko or himself, Aomine registers her inflection as a slight buzz with funny jumps and cracks in her voice; annoyance level minimal. If she's talking about her friends or 'Dai-chan' being stupid, it becomes slightly more aggressive to his sensitive ears, and he can't help but pull this _face, _which usually leads to her pitch worsening.

But then, there are times when he wants to tape her mouth shut, throw her out the fucking window and let a train run over her, and the only thing stopping him is the nearest train station being a thirty minute walk away. This only happens when something truly distressing is turning Momoi's life over, and it has only occurred five _counted _times in his life, so Aomine figures he might as well suck it up and help her when she actually needs it. (God knows she's helped him far more than he's willing to admit.)

Funnily enough, it all pertains to growing up and her sexuality. (And Kagami Fucking Taiga.)

The first time he hears it, Aomine's only a seventeen year old with no way of actually helping Satsuki, given his limited knowledge of female emotions. He gets a call at four fifteen in the afternoon from a highly distressed Satsuki, and if her voice hadn't been enough to annoy him on the spot, the source of her misery finished the job.

After she calms down from her whining and swooning, she mentions that, apparently, it was just like the time she had first laid her eyes on Tetsu-kun. Aomine thinks it's strange, considering she's know him for a while now, and just now she thinks he's so tall and charming and slightly childish, but that just adds to his appeal because Dai-chan have you seen him? His eyebrows are so cute and his nose is so manly and Satsuki please shut the fuck up.

While Aomine's usually quick to judge her crushes as inadequate and her crushers as 'get the fuck away from Satsuki before I beat the shit out of you, you only-interested-in-her-for-her-tits scum' (and she still wonders why no boys approach her at school anymore), the fact that Momoi Satsuki, his best friend and almost sister, has a crush on Kagami Fucking Taiga, of all people, leaves him stunned beyond any reaction, much less with the ability to understand what's going on in her little brain.

After his slow recovery (while Satsuki compliments his every feature, even his goddamned eyebrows), Aomine's first instinct is to tell her no and give her a laundry list of the reasons she shouldn't like him, starting with how he sucks at basketball, repeating it at least thrice between mindless rambling and ending with the same point.

"Dai-chan, not everything is about basketball, you know?" that's her only reply to his perfectly reasoned statement, and while he wants to argue otherwise (because, really- it is) the sigh she lets out is indicative of her need for him to stop talking. He's never been one to listen, of course, so he opens his mouth to keep fighting before she interrupts him to tell him why she does.

"He's tall, and very cute, and buff."

Aomine thinks to respond that so is he, but Satsuki's faster.

"He's also extremely responsible! He lives by himself, and he cooks for himself and Tetsu-kun's told me it's actually quite delicious."

Aomine has to laugh at that because, of course, she would like to date a man that can cook. Her abilities in a kitchen are questionable at best, and she'll eventually have to feed herself somehow. Satsuki doesn't see the humor in it, though.

"Like I said," she begins with her particular brand of vindictive ego crushing. "-he's responsible and I don't have to treat him like a five-year-old. Unlike someone else."

Instead of rising to the bait like she'd hope, Aomine clicks his tongue before proudly giving his last reason for why no one, but especially Satsuki (and Tetsu, but that wasn't the point), should like Kagami Taiga.

"He's an inch shorter than me."

For a second, there's complete silence on the other end of the line until Satsuki bursts out laughing and takes five minutes to remind him that she had a massive crush on Tetsu before she even knew Kagami, all in between giggles and snorts. Aomine tries to remind her that Tetsu is very special, but she cuts him off before he can, knowing perfectly well that that's his excuse for almost anything when it pertains to Tetsu.

Suddenly, the mood turns a bit quieter, and Satsuki seems to be pensive on the other side of the line.

"Do you think he'll like me?" her tone is soft, but Aomine can hear the worry and hope in it, clear as day. He groans, loudly enough that Satsuki'll hear him, but not with enough ardor for her to feel offended. He really doesn't want to go there with her, because she's bound to do something weird and emotional- like be all happy and not scold him or even worse, start crying.

Aomine groans again.

"Satsuki, I'm pretty sure a lot of guys would like you," the words leave his mouth uncomfortably, as if he's used too much toothpaste while brushing his teeth, but he's not lying.

"Are you saying that because you like big boobs?"

For a moment, Aomine wants to say yes and be done with this stupid conversation and all of Momoi's girly fucking feelings, but he's - he can't bring himself to, not when he knows the reason she wears a hoodie all the time.

"No."

Silence, followed by a quiet 'oh'.

"Thanks, Dai-chan." she whispers. Even if the nickname gets on his nerves (they are not in elementary school anymore, haven't been for a while), he forgoes saying anything once he can almost feel the smile on her face and the stupid tears she's surely crying because she's a giant crybaby.

As an attempt to get out of comforting Satsuki, something he's shit at, Aomine tries to shove in his classic 'yeah, yeah' meant to let him pass off as blasé, only for Satsuki's voice to perk up.

"What about Tetsu-kun, though? He didn't like me-"

"Tetsu's special."

Laughter.

"Yeah, I know."

The second time he lives it, Aomine's only an eighteen year old with no way of actually helping Satsuki, given his limited knowledge of female fashion. Satsuki thinks it perfectly fine to consecutively ring his doorbell at least fifteen times late in the evening as she not-so-quietly yells his name. Thankfully, his parents aren't home to bug him about it, and after the sixteenth ring he's running down the stairs with a scream.

"I'm coming, sheesh!"

He opens the door to see a very disheveled Satsuki, with her hair anything but her usual neat and her clothes rumpled, breathing heavily as she leans over the wall of his house. She tries to speak, only to start wheezing as her body forces her to catch her breath.

After five minutes and finally, her recovery, Aomine remembers to ask if anything's wrong.

She looks at him with a strange glint in her eye (one he recognizes- he's seen it a million times and he's very much going to regret this) before roughly taking his wrist and dragging him across his lawn towards her house, into her room. He doesn't fight much when she locks the door.

"Satsuki, wha-"

"I need your help!" He knows the tone in which she's speaking, knows it too well, and the slightly crazed eyes that usually came with it - normally indicating that Satsuki's not just a tad preoccupied. His suspicions are proved right when she paces around the room and starts to ramble about Kagami Taiga, and once again, for perhaps the millionth time, her emotions have taken a dangerous turn thanks to the red-headed idiot.

"Hey, stop that," a feeble attempt to calm her, Aomine's not good at these things- something Satsuki apparently doesn't understand, because it's not working, if her suddenly pulling at her own hair is anything to go by.

"Satsuki, what did that asshole do?" His first instinct is to get angry and protective and beat the shit out of a certain someone, as Satsuki's not the type to fret over stupid men more than she needs to. He's living proof. He makes for the door as he mutters insults under his breath, directing as many directed to double eyebrows as he can.

Her head snaps up with terrifying quickness and agility, like she has a protect-Kagami-kun-at-all-costs alarm hard-wired into her brain, her eyes wide and brow to have permanent marks from how hard she's glaring at him.

"He's not an asshole," her pitch rises at the end.

He considers fighting the point, but a distressed Satsuki is never someone to try.

"What did he do?"

Satsuki then falls to her knees, rolls her weight back and draws them up close, tightly holding herself. By this point, Aomine is considering going to the idiot's house himself (Tetsu gave him the address for a still-unknown reason) and asking just what he did to his childhood friend; he's been overeager to fight the man at least once, but his little fantasy is broken by Satsuki's prompt explanation.

"He asked me out," she finally lets out.

Aomine doesn't say anything. In fact, he doesn't really process it at all, no matter how many times he repeats the sentence in his head.

He manages a stupid 'what,' somehow.

"On a date," barely above a whisper, as if to not shock Aomine more than she already has.

"What," he repeats, because if he's going to be honest (and he's never been one to sugarcoat regardless), that idiot has a smaller pair of balls than Kise in Akashi's presence, at least whenever it's somehow related to Satsuki. He's seen Kagami awkwardly run away from her when she's _hugged_ him - on multiple occasions. They've been pining for each other ever since they met, and two fucking years later he asks her out? On a date?

He's not sure if he should be relieved that he finally did it, if he should be angry because he took so fucking long, or if he should try to shake some sense into Satsuki for still liking him. It doesn't even occur to him to ask how it happened. As always, Satsuki's not bothered by his lack of interest.

"I don't have time for you to be confused, Dai-chan! I need your help."

Aomine figures it might be easier to focus on the task at hand, aka whatever Satsuki needs help with, instead of actually processing what he's currently feeling (something akin to jealousy - the friendly kind, mixed with shock and plain disdain, but he's far from willing to accept it), so he settles for standing up and expectantly staring at her until she's finished with whatever she needs him for.

"Help me choose an outfit."

"What," he repeats, yet again.

"I said," she starts, and Aomine thinks the amount of condescension in her voice is a bit unfair after the bomb she's dropped, "help me choose an outfit. Geez, Dai-chan, I don't remember you being deaf." In response, he glares at the girl without too much fervor, and in one swift movement, throws open Satsuki's closet. Inside he finds girly, colorful and strangely designed garments, covered in lace and polka dots and too many bras for him to handle.

"Do I look like a girl, Satsuki?"

Silently, she gives him a look he's used to receiving from both her, Tetsu and far too many people that think he has a negative sign in his IQ, obviously bewildered by his question.

"You're 6'3 and the most curve-less basketball idiot I've ever known."

A retort is on the tip of his tongue (the term _basketball idiot _is very offensive given his genius status) but he foregoes it for more important reasons.

"Then why are you asking me to help you choose your clothes?" He then adds as an afterthought: "For a date with someone I don't particularly like?"

Satsuki smiles, and if Aomine didn't know her better, he'd say it was kind, but he knew that was a lie - it was full of patronage. She doesn't give him a reason, and instead just shakes her head while pulling off the movie-like move of inserting her hands into the closet and throwing out all her clothes to the bed. Using another movie-like tactic, she asks him about each and every single outfit she can come up with.

Aomine stops counting after the third hour.

In the end, she settles for a mint-colored, ruffled skirt and a white tank top that go well with her hair, coupled with some dark and uncomfortable-looking flats and a similarly-colored bolero, but only after Aomine (whom, by this point, has clothes all over him, is tired, and is pretty sure he's seen Satsuki's naked back more times than should be allowed) has said, with no small amount of hesitation, that she looks fine and cute.

Then, after the hours of torture, regardless of Aomine's not-so-secret enjoyment of just talking to her like they used to, she kicks him out of his house with a brief thank-you and store-bought donuts for his family, on the excuse that she needs her beauty sleep for 'The Big Day'.

Aomine doesn't really think much of it - Satsuki's always been whimsical - until she screams at him that she'll help him with his own first date, too.

An embarrassed yell is all he can manage as he runs for his house.

"But only if Tetsu-kun doesn't ask me first!"

The third time it happens, Aomine's only a nineteen year old with no way of actually helping Satsuki, given his limited knowledge of female pre-intercourse rituals. Satsuki's personalized 'Dai-chan!' ringtone blasts from his cell phone as he's out shopping for pants, and at the other end there's a shrill scream of his name, one he's learned to recognize and fear by now.

Once she's done with her long-winded speech about Kagami Taiga, and things by, for, to and with Kagami Taiga, and her breath settles down a bit for him to finally understand, she screams his second most feared words.

"I need your help!"

He cancels his plans with Kise, assuming (correctly) that this won't be short.

Fifteen minutes later, he's in another section of the shopping mall, in front of a Victoria's Secret, alone. Contrary to what most people believe of him, he's actually never been near a bra in a store, much less on an actual girl, excluding Satsuki. Fiddling with his phone in an attempt to not look like a complete pervert (one of the times his height was an utter disadvantage) and to ignore how some men protectively put themselves in front of their girlfriends, all while he waits for his pink-haired and always late friend.

The clacking of her favorite heels followed by exhausted pants enters his earshot, just as Satsuki leans down to take a breather and apologize.

"Sorry I'm late, Dai-chan! I had to get ready."

"Yeah, I know." Satsuki apologizing for getting ready has become the standard way of greeting each other. "What I don't know -" he begins, half-pointing at, half-cowering away from the menacing pink shop, "- is why you brought me here, of all places."

Satsuki doesn't bother to answer before she pulls him inside by the wrist, grabbing a pair of pink and purple, but mostly frilly and transparent, underwear as she goes. She smiles at him (he can tell there's a small token of shame in there, somewhere, but the rest of it is trust smeared with a bit of mirth) and asks him to 'help her out a bit'.

"Get what you want. Why ask me?" She tries to wave it off by acting cute, but Aomine's having none of it. Not once in her life has Satsuki ever asked him to choose _anything_ she decides to buy (he's only allowed to _suggest_), much less her underwear. When she finally realizes Aomine's not going to budge, Satsuki's frame slumps and, for five whole minutes, she doesn't even open her mouth.

"I -" Stuttering slightly, a blush soon forms on her face.

"Out with it, Satsuki."

"Kagami-kun. He - He and I are probably - Tonight."

Aomine doesn't understand a thing, being used to Satsuki's cryptic attitude whenever the subject is Kagami Taiga, never being fucking clear about anything, so he figures it's another one of those things she 'can't really put into words', but then he takes a good look at her face, and he_ gets_ it.

Oh.

Oh, _fuck_.

"I need some air," he somehow manages to wheeze out.

"Okay!" There's a bit of desperation and fear in her tone, but she follows behind him, anyway.

After a couple of minutes spent mostly in silence, Aomine walking around the pillar supporting the now much more dangerous shop, he crouches and rests his head into his hands. Satsuki's going to -

"Why me? I'm the last person who wants to know about this, Satsuki." She nods, but there's some weird determination; it takes him back to when she drunkenly declared she would lose her virginity before him - funny how that turned out.

"I know, but you're similar to Kagami-kun, so I thought…" Aomine sighs. Being similar (as long as it took him to accept that little fact) to the idiot sure was fucking shitty sometimes.

Managing to muster up some strange combination of resigned eagerness, he pulls Satsuki into the store.

"Alright, alright. I'll do it!" At this, Satsuki perks up, but slumps again once Aomine continues.

"But I'm not too sure me and that asshole have the same taste. He doesn't seem like a boob guy to me." Well reasoned, too, he thinks. He doesn't seem like an anything guy, really. More like a Satsuki guy, but he doesn't think she needs reminding of that.

Satsuki laughs, though.

"You're not really one to speak, Dai-chan," she then suggestively wiggles her eyebrows at him, mouths the beginning of a very special individual's name, and this time he's grabbing bras by the dozen for her to try on before she can finish the name.

"I fucking hate you."

"I'm sure you do."

As soon as they're done, Aomine breathes a hefty sigh, slumping down on one of the mall's indoor benches with a drink he forced Satsuki to buy in his hand. Next to him, she's happily carrying a striped, pink bag with a golden logo across it.

He'll have nightmares for everything - the displays, the sheer amount of lace, the realization that a lot of the boobs he'd seen in his life weren't real, Satsuki acting like getting underwear was normal and nice.

Aomine knows he's probably jinxing himself, but he can't help himself from saying it, so he does.

"Well, I'm glad that's over."

Just as he suspected, Satsuki tenses. It doesn't go unnoticed by Aomine.

"Um… I have another _request_," she's not very loud, but he can hear the plea in her voice and he knows he won't say no, even if the way she said the last word sounded like he was going to be put under some sort of Chinese torture.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

"I need you to hold my hand."

He quietly sits there for a moment, Satsuki to his side scrunching up her skirt with her hands, looking hopeful.

"Satsuki, just because I act like your boyfriend, does not mean I am him. To start off, I'm one inch taller -"

"No!" her face is far too close for comfort by this point, and he grips the bench tightly while she grabs him from under the armpits, cringes, and pulls him up and towards somewhere else, whispering about his dumb obsession with height to herself.

"While they wax me. I've never done it before," she coughs. "I'm scared."

"Wax? As in, rip your hair off?" She nods as she pulls him, but now it's turned more into a jog than a walk. They turn right at the tea shop, then left at her favorite shop, and soon Satsuki's pulling the both of them into an extremely fancy salon. He realizes she even had an appointment when she talks to the woman on the counter to check in.

Sneaky girl.

Then, she turns to him, and delivers the final missing piece of information, one that makes Aomine want to scream and run as far as his legs can take him from her and her girly things. Satsuki is like his sister, sometimes even like his mother - it's not fair of her; she shouldn't be allowed to pull shit like this.

"Down there."

"I'm going to murder you."

He holds her hand going upstairs, all through her yelps, insults, heartfelt thanks, her jabs at his intelligence, his shitty everything with a certain someone, his probability of never seeing a woman naked again in his life, and at his height complex, especially when related to her boyfriend, all while he loses feeling in his hand and looks away.

The woman waxing her is extremely professional, but he sees her laugh more than she should.

He tries very hard to ignore the piling sticky papers with wads of pink, curly hair.

The fourth time he hears it, it's not much later than the third time. On the same day as their little adventure happens, and once Aomine's gone to (much appreciated) sleep, there's a loud rapping outside, followed by a not-so-silent whisper of his name. It takes him a while to acknowledge that yes, this isn't a dream, yes, that voice can only belong to Satsuki, and that, indeed, it's two in the morning.

"Fucking Christ," he scratches his belly before getting up and swinging the door to his flat open, almost hitting Satsuki in the face, not that he cares much. She scurries into the house before he can nag at her about the time, but he's too tired to actually give a shit and simply closes the door behind her.

By the time he's on his couch, she's got them both a cup of coffee. Satsuki never makes him anything (by his request) unless something has her at her wits' end.

"This is gonna be long, huh," he brings the mug to his lips and, unsurprisingly, burns his tongue on the brown water Satsuki likes to call coffee.

Once again, he's about to reprimand her, until he sees her lip quivering and her eyes watering, the leading cause of each and every one of Aomine's mental breakdowns.

"Shit, Satsuki -" he reaches for her shoulders, and that's her cue to throw herself into his chest, trying to keep her silence for his neighbors, but failing miserably. Aomine lets her cry it all out, whatever it is, as he rubs his hands all over her back in a terrible attempt to comfort her, until and if she feels like talking about it.

Sniffles and the low chime of the clock break the silence that's settled between them as she calms down after some time, and she sits back into a more comfortable position.

"I ran away," she offers as an explanation. This only serves to confuse Aomine more, his lack of sleep not helping.

"From him. And - I just ran out, Dai-chan," Aomine still doesn't understand. Questioning her, he raises his eyebrows, and Satsuki can only return with a glare and a slight pout.

"Help me out! I don't want to say it out loud!" Now he furrows his brow, because it's three in the morning and Satsuki's nonsense is not welcome _ever_, but it's even less welcome at the moment.

"He -" she takes a deep breath, muttering a string of curses and an alarming amount of 'Dai-chan's in between, before blurting whatever's bothering her out.

"He showed me his penis and I ran out on him."

At this, Aomine stays completely silent, doesn't really do anything. Satsuki's previously expectant face falls - like she was hoping for him to gasp or react dramatically, (not the first time Satsuki's forgotten he's not a fucking girl) soon going to angry, and then disappointed, and then downright upset. When he finally processes that his best friend had ran out on Kagami Taiga once she saw his dick, his laughter completely overwhelms his utter disgust over the realization that Satsuki and Kagami had been naked and were about to fuck.

Satsuki didn't find it funny, her angry glare more than enough to prove it. Wiping tears from his eyes in between bursts of laughter, he finally managed to ask his most pressing question.

"Was he that small?"

Aomine could almost hear the classic cricket sound effect in the background, and his first instinct is to run, mirth gone and now fear taking its place with a glance at Satsuki's expression. But instead, she _looks_ at him, rolls her eyes a little and grimaces like she's dealing with an unwanted child.

Barely over a whisper, she corrects him. "On the contrary, you idiot! He was too big!"

As if embarrassed by the confession, she curls into herself with Aomine's favorite pillow, taking up the remaining space of the couch.

Into the light blue pillow, she sighs. "I didn't even tell him anything before running out."

Aomine's not listening, though. By now he's far more worried about himself and his need to reassert himself, and the fact that he can due to extremely unfortunate circumstances, namely Satsuki catching him masturbating and seen his dick far too many times to be appropriate. She shouldn't be scared of_ anything_ after seeing that.

"Oi, Satsuki," breaking into her self-deprecating mood, he grabs her by the shoulders again as he desperately looks at her, asking with his eyes, even if he knows he's being too rough and Satsuki's tiny and a girl, but he needs to know.

He needs to know.

"Is he bigger than me?"

It's been a while since he's seen that expression on Satsuki's face, like she's completely lost her faith in him. He's seen it directed twice at Kise, and thrice at himself, but that was in middle school. He never thought he'd see it again. While it didn't sting any less than before, his curiosity (and the extreme need to reaffirm his manliness) proved to be far stronger than his shame.

Satsuki pushes herself away from him, taking care to stay as far away from Aomine as possible.

"Must you ask this?" She understands how stupid that question is, because if anyone knows about his issues, it's her. "Right now?"

Aomine considers. He's more than likely going to have to do her at least twenty favors for her forgiveness already, another ten won't really make that big of a difference. He nods his response, but slowly, to gauge her anger.

It seems to be resigned anger.

"For your information, Dai-chan," she begins, her tone unforgiving and cold, like she's about to ruin his life, and she's enjoying it, "he is."

Denial.

"You're only saying that because you're angry at me."

"I wouldn't lie about this."

Fuck.

"Then you're blind," he counters, because there's no way that shithead, who's one inch shorter than him, is bigger than him. No one's ever been bigger than him. Not even the giant Barney.

"Last time I checked, you still need glasses, and I still don't." It's a low blow, coming from her, but it's perfectly valid and true; he has to shut up at that, even if he doesn't want to.

"But -"

"I'm not having this conversation with you. If you're so keen on finding out, go ask Tetsu-kun," With that, she stomps towards the door, flipping her hair at least five times, throwing angry glances thrice, and slamming the door for good measure as she leaves.

Although he's not entirely sure why Kuroko would have seen Kagami's penis (nor is he sure he wants to know why), he phones him at four in the morning, and sadly finds out from an extremely irritated Tetsu, that Aomine-kun, I've slept fifteen hours this entire week, and that Aomine-kun, why didn't you call tomorrow, but _yes,_ if you must insist, Kagami-kun is bigger than you, and that _no, _Aomine-kun I haven't been cheating on you, gym lockers exist in high schools, you see and finally, _goodnight_ Aomine-kun, please don't ever call me this early for such stupid reasons again.

The next morning, he regrets being informed by a very satisfied Satsuki that she went back and it was amazing and Kagami was a 'complete cutie', as he had been worried he had done something wrong, and that apparently Tetsu doesn't want to hear from him at all for at least a week, and just to clarify, Kagami's dick is exactly _one_ inch bigger than his.

She says the last part with a bit more venom than usual.

The fifth time it happens, Aomine's only a twenty old with no way of actually helping Satsuki, given his limited knowledge of female sexuality. She calls him at a ridiculous hour, something that sadly has been happening a lot recently (to both his and Tetsu's dismay, although Tetsu's concern is mostly for the loss of a heat source his leaving implies), to the point he doesn't even get angry anymore, just mutters a 'what is it this time' before he's out the door with an expensive jacket that does a poor job of covering up his shitty pajamas.

He forces himself over to her flat, which, coincidentally, is five doors down from his in the same apartment complex. Knowing the door will be open for him, he skips knocking in favor of getting done with whatever Satsuki needs as soon as possible.

He finds her sitting on her couch, fidgeting with a small box as she mutters something, waiting for him. She shoots up in response to him closing the door, and once her eyes land on him, she goes a little bit crazy. Satsuki stumbles towards Aomine, her mouth producing the most alarming amount of profanity he's ever heard from her, inserted before every other word in the sentence, and he can't make a single word out because she's talking too fast and too loud and it's too late for him to actually try.

After a few seconds of her ranting and near-crying (and god, is he not in the mood for crying) he opts for trying to let her explain slowly. "Shut up, Satsuki."

This does the complete opposite of the intended effect, having Satsuki only become a little crazier and higher pitched in her explanations, until Aomine just can't take it anymore.

With his hands on her cheeks, he whispers to her as calmly as he can, "Shut the fuck up and explain."

It works this time.

He sits her down on her cute little couch, holding her hands so she doesn't start flipping them around like she always does when she's nervous, also as a vague attempt at reassurance and waits for her to get through the details. She goes straight into the problem.

"I haven't had my period for like two and a half months, Dai-chan."

Aomine understands the possible implication she's trying to get to, but his first thought is that he clearly remembers Satsuki being extremely irregular. He mentions the thought, but her only response is a shake of the head.

"I -" letting out a big sigh, she curls up into herself, but Aomine makes sure not let go of her hands, lest she wrap them around herself and look even more painfully vulnerable (and Aomine can't fucking help).

"It's not normal. Not like this, even if I'm irregular," she then grabs the box she was fiddling with earlier, having put it down on her coffee table, and shows him the label.

It's a pregnancy test.

Aomine's never been known for his tact, or prudency, or anything that requires considering people's feelings, really, so the first thing that escapes his mouth is bound to be a giant fuck up, not that he cares.

"So there's gonna be a bunch of pink-haired, double-eyebrowed kids running around and calling me Uncle?" Satsuki snorts loudly and even cracks a smile, but later forces herself into a cool glare that carries all the feminine anger Satsuki can manage when she's tired.

It's serious.

"I'm sorry," she waves it away, and half-drags, half-leads him into her bathroom, one he's learned to recognize by the ridiculous scent of roses and tulips and some other weird-ass flowers he's positive Satsuki's mentioned but he can't remember to save his life. She starts opening the pack, and then he realizes what she wants him to do.

"Can you -" she begins, and she genuinely sounds uncertain and nervous. Aomine hates it when she uses that tone- not that she does it on purpose, but he's pretty much fucking helpless against her anxiety, jarring him into becoming something like an angry but compliant puppy when she does.

"You want me to hold your hand while you pee on a stick that tells you if you're having Kagami Taiga's spawn."

Satsuki winces at the use of some of the words, particularly 'spawn', but she nods at him, throwing him a hopeful glance.

"Satsuki -"

"I held your dick for you when you needed to pee and you were so drunk you couldn't see straight."

Sometimes, Aomine doesn't even know why he tries to argue, given his statistical probability of winning against Satsuki being something around zero, if not in the negative numbers. He takes her arm instead, resigned to a very uncomfortable moment made worse by the sound of unzipped pants and liquid hitting plastic and then water. He doesn't loosen his hold at all, though.

Once she's done, and he refuses to look at the goddamn pee-stick (because he's seen Satsuki's tits and vagina but her pee is still as gross as cooties were in elementary), and as she checks the results, Aomine can feel her physically relax, and so does he, not even realizing he was tense in the first place.

"False alarm?"

She nods, leaning into Aomine with the stick still in her hand, but he figures it's okay - Satsuki has had far more uncomfortable interactions with his own piss.

"I was not ready for that," she breathes out.

"Me neither."

"You're not the one getting pregnant."

"You're not the one watching your childhood friend getting pregnant," He retorts, and he can see her wanting to fight, but soon losing her drive because she's exhausted and needs rest and, for once, Aomine can fully understand that.

"I hope my kids are taller than you," Her tone is friendly and it's mentioned in between a yawn, but Aomine feels she's only half joking. "By one inch."

Aomine snorts.

"That's not happening with you as their mother, babe."

She curses at him, telling him all about how glorious her kids are gonna be and how much better than him they'll be at basketball, and as she rants all about it, soon going into dreams of the four of them having their kids running around on a basketball court, and how she can't believe they're all living together, they soon fall deep into slumber on the couch.

He wakes up to the smell of coffee, the brand he knows as Tetsu's favorite. Satsuki's barely waking up too, fully opening her eyes at the sight of her boyfriend and apparent future father of her better-than-Aomine kids. Tetsu's in the kitchen and Kagami's at the dining table, now with Satsuki in his arms, and the last thing he wants to hear rushes out of her mouth.

"Let's make a kid taller than Dai-chan!"

There's a chorus of 'what's, intensity ranging from low and confused to extremely loud and terrified, but Kagami just figures it's got something to do with the reason his ex-arch-nemesis (who happens to be dating his best friend) was sleeping on the couch with his girlfriend, and doesn't think much of it.

Aomine gets a call at two thirty-four in the afternoon and his first instinct is to pick up instead of letting his mother do it like the usual.

Big mistake.

"Dai-chan!" The voice on the other side of the line is so nervous and terrified that for a moment, Aomine thinks she's being robbed and he eyeballs his unused baseball bat in the corner before she starts bawling even louder, screaming that she's dying and there's blood everywhere and 'what do I do? I'm home alone, Dai-chan!'

He gets the overwhelming urge to tell her to shut up and calm down (partly for him to understand what's going on, mostly for his poor head) until she mentions the word 'blood' and then he's out without even informing his mother, bat in hand, and slams himself through his neighbor's and best friend's front door.

"Satsuki!"

There's a loud yelp from the second floor followed by a slightly relieved 'Dai-chan!' He follows the source of the sound, making sure to check each corner for the suspected thieves until he's inside Satsuki's room. He's effectively rendered useless when he sees the pool of blood seeping through her white bed sheets and her pajamas and drying on her fingers- it's everywhere really, and he's utterly terrified.

For a moment Aomine actually fears for her life and considers calling an ambulance, until he remembers she's the one who pays attention in class and _knows _that information; he hadn't even bothered to learn the number. His mind's going in circles and he gets closer to Satsuki in an attempt to help or comfort her but she's still screaming about how her death is near (and doesn't anyone in the neighborhood hear it? Please, help help help) but then he realizes that the bleeding has to come from somewhere.

"Satsuki, did you cut yourse-"

She interrupts him before he can even finish. "I don't know!"

Aomine holds her shoulders tightly long enough to force her attention on him instead of - whatever's happening, and shakes her. "What do you mean you don't know?"

"I don't _know. _It's coming from down there and it won't sto -" Aomine's invaded by a sudden amount of discomfort and fear and a tiny amount of curiosity, but mostly fear because he's not even sure if 'down there' is what he thinks she means.

Alas, he needs to confirm it if he wants to get anywhere. "Down there?"

There's silence for a moment before Satsuki's back to the endless crying, but now it's accompanied by 'I hate you's and the pounding of two small fists on his chest. He figures that was the wrong thing to ask if that's the reaction he's getting, but the blood is still seeping through and he has to do something, if only he knew what to do. Only one thing occurs to him.

"Should I check?" He tentatively asks.

It has the side effect of shutting Satsuki up, which could mean she's pissed or shocked or just so stupefied by the absurdity of his question that she can't even bring herself to speak. It's short-lived, though, because then there's a small nod after a couple of sniffles which is almost threatening because he was hoping, almost praying, that she would say no.

As if to ask for permission, he places his hands on her knees, and he's coated in blood too but Aomine doesn't actually care, and he gives her this meaningful look- like they're about to do something judged upon by the gods; she nods again, slowly. Then, just as he's gulping and 'what am I even doing', Satsuki apparently has a change of heart, if the kick she delivers to his stomach is any indication.

"No! No, you can't check!"

Aomine doubles over in pain and considers punching Satsuki in the gut, but figures it can't possibly be a good idea. "S-Satsuki," he breathes in slowly, "- how am I supposed to help you if you _kick _me in the - ?"

Aomine's still-pained complaint is cut off by Satsuki's wailing and her growing-in-volume chorus of 'No's!

After that, there are five attempts, from which Aomine gets fed up of because he's going to wake up the next day covered in bruises (she's tiny but she can punch and kick like nobody's business), and he pats Satsuki's head in an attempt to calm her down, before resorting to the all-knowing human being known as Tetsu until he explains the female process known as menstruation and jabs at his intelligence far more times than he has ever in a single conversation.

He explains it to Satsuki, but not before running to the convenience store to pick those pad-things Tetsu mentioned up, regardless of the female clerk's strange glances, and explaining to Satsuki that 'welp, you can have kids now' even if it earns him another kick, but it's nothing compared to the relief he feels because Satsuki is, in fact, perhaps not perfectly fine, but alright.

* * *

The last one is basically an extra, even if it's the first one I wrote. It basically inspired me to write the whole fic so I added it as a small bonus. It was originally supposed to be exclusively AoMomo friendship but my bad habit of forcing AoKuro onto everything happened and this is the end result. I hope you guys enjoy it!


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